


this is only the beginning

by nommonkeypie



Series: can't get you out of my head [9]
Category: Block B
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 17:12:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16371737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nommonkeypie/pseuds/nommonkeypie
Summary: They’d been teetering towards defining this thing between them. Jiho knew that. He knew that Jaehyo felt it too. Right now, it was clear that they could no longer avoid it. Staring at Jaehyo, who was so close right now, Jiho knew they had to figure out what this was. No more vagueness. No more dancing around the subject. It might not be easy but it had to be done.





	this is only the beginning

"I can't believe you actually told someone about that crazy idea of yours." Jaehyo had a look of complete disbelief on his face. It was a cute look on him as he paced around his own tiny apartment. So basically he walked from Jiho to what passed for Jaehyo's kitchen and back, crossing the entire place in about four steps each time.

Jiho just grinned. "So I take it that someone talked you?" He hadn't been in the office in a few days so he wasn't all caught up on the latest news but that's exactly what it sounded like to him.

"Three someones," Jaehyo confirmed. He held up three fingers, making a point about the number.

"What'd they say?" Jiho could hear the hope in his own voice. He reached out, grabbing Jaehyo's arm before he slipped just out of reach. He pulled Jaehyo close. Or, well, that's what Jiho intended to do. Jaehyo's desk chair kind of slid instead, taking Jiho to Jaehyo. Not that that was a problem. Same outcome, just achieved in a slightly different way than intended.

Sliding his arms around Jaehyo, Jiho rested his cheek against the guy's stomach. Warmth radiated from Jaehyo. The older guy made a noise that sounded like something between a huff and a sigh. Then Jiho felt a hand on his head, its partner on his back as they pulled him into a hug.

"They took my portfolio," Jaehyo replied. "They want to look through it better and discuss everything amongst themselves first."

A frown filled Jiho's face. That was not what he'd hoped to hear. He knew how these things worked but still, a guy could hope. He'd really wondered if his name would help support Jaehyo, convince the suits that they should hire him. Apparently not. That sucked to hear but at least it sounded like they were considering Jaehyo.

He placed a kiss on Jaehyo's stomach. Jiho wished there was something he could do that would help make this situation turn out the way he wanted but he had already stuck his neck out. He was afraid to push. If he did that, then this whole situation could come crashing down around them.

"I can try bugging them about it," Jiho offered but he knew that he couldn't.

Jaehyo gave a little laugh. "No, don't do that." The hands holding Jiho held on a little tighter. "I'm not sure how I feel about this anyways," the guy admitted. "The offer is amazing. It's just...if it were before everything, I..."

-

Jaehyo wasn't sure how to put this into words. He really hoped what he was trying to say was getting through to Jiho but something in him doubted it. The feelings he'd had when Jiho had first proposed this idea of his were coming back. Jaehyo had been temporarily blinded by everything earlier but now that he had a chance to think about reality, he wasn't so sure about this.

But then he looked down at Jiho and saw the smile on Jiho's face. It was enough to make Jaehyo melt, to take away some of the anxiety he felt. Jiho had always been magical like that. Back in the days before they'd become whatever they were now, listening to Jiho's songs had been how Jaehyo escaped his worries and frustrations.

"How are you able to make everything better?" Jaehyo murmured.

Hands tugged on Jaehyo, pulling him to sit on the younger guy's lap. "What does that mean?" Jiho asked. Curious was a good look him. It made him look so young and innocent even though Jaehyo knew the guy was anything but innocent.

Heat spread across Jaehyo's face but he knew he had to share. "Ever since I first saw you, you've had this ability to make everything just seem right. The whole world could be crashing down around me but I wouldn't even notice if you were there."

Jiho snorted. "Hyung, you're a sap." The way he said it made it clear that he wasn't saying that out of malice. No, from the way Jiho was glowing, the guy seemed to be proud.

Sitting like this was uncomfortable though. Jiho had a fine lap. That wasn’t the problem. It was just that sitting on his lap made Jaehyo feel like a child. “It’s the truth,” Jaehyo replied. He pulled Jiho’s arms off him. Standing, Jaehyo walked the two steps it took to get to his bed.

“You’ve always been able to put me at ease,” Jaehyo continued. “Whenever I had bad days, I’d listen to your songs and it’d make my day better.” It was so embarrassing to admit this but it felt important.

-

They’d been teetering towards defining this thing between them. Jiho knew that. He knew that Jaehyo felt it too. Right now, it was clear that they could no longer avoid it. Staring at Jaehyo, who was so close right now, Jiho knew they had to figure out what this was. No more vagueness. No more dancing around the subject. It might not be easy but it had to be done.

Jiho didn’t know how to approach it though. He knew they were right there but he just couldn’t find the words within himself to actually talk about it. He wheeled the chair back over to the desk, putting himself right next to Jaehyo. Or rather, right across from him.

Neither one of them wanted to ask it. That much was clear from the deafening quiet that had fallen between the two of them.

“Can I ask something?” Jiho didn’t want to be the one to ask but he felt like if he didn’t, this would never be asked. And he didn’t know about Jaehyo but Jiho felt like he needed to know where they stood.

Jaehyo nodded. He had a look that was a mixture of confusion and wariness on his face, almost like he was afraid of what Jiho’s question might be. Jiho didn’t exactly blame the guy. It wasn’t like Jiho wanted to ask it. He felt like he needed to ask, to clarify.

Jiho looked at his hands, playing with his fingers. He knew he should ask it. He just didn’t want to. A little too late for that now though since he’d already started it. “What are we?”

The room went quiet. The air was heavy and awkward. Jiho knew he forgot how to breathe and if he were to be honest, it sounded like Jaehyo might have forgotten how to do that too. This thing between them had been going on for a long time. It’d been over a year since that night they’d met at the wedding. Several months since he’d hurt Jaehyo and many more since Jaehyo had allowed Jiho back into his life. Months since they’d decided they could handle an adult relationship, not just tiptoeing around hormones.

Jiho was still looking at this hands. He didn’t know what to say and he knew he shouldn’t leave this all in Jaehyo’s hands. And yet, that’s how they’d always done things. Jiho did something crazy, Jaehyo set things right.

“I don’t know,” Jaehyo answered. He spoke honestly and in a tone that sounded heartbroken. Jiho looked up. Jaehyo was looking back at him, smiling sadly. “I wish I knew myself but I don’t.”

The feeling was one Jiho himself was familiar with. He felt the same way. He wanted to know what they were but he just didn’t know. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. Putting a label to this was scary. Made everything feel more real.

“I like you.” Jiho felt his face get hot at his own words. “More than like.” This was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever done in his life and he’d done plenty of ridiculous things before.

Jaehyo chuckled nervously. “I know. And I...I think I feel the same way.”

Wow. That was totally enough to inspire confidence. Except for the whole hesitation part. Jiho felt about as big as an ant. If only he could curl up into a little ball, disappear from the world. Embarrassed didn’t begin to describe how he felt in this moment. If he could go back in time about five minutes, he would gladly do so.

A hand reached over and gripped Jiho’s. Jaehyo held on tight. “I wish I could say something more,” the older guy went on. “I...you scare me. You always seem so perfect, Jiho, and that scares me. You can have anything and everything in the world that you want and I...I can’t.”

Jaehyo gave a heavy sigh. It pressed down on Jiho’s shoulders. Made it hard to breathe. “I can’t give you anything,” Jaehyo admitted.

Jiho wanted to laugh. Jaehyo’s words were absolutely ridiculous. He couldn’t give Jiho anything? Did Jaehyo not see himself? Okay, yes, Jiho could buy just about anything he wanted. He’d gotten to travel and see the world. Celebrities knew his name. And yet none of that really mattered. Those things were just useless statistics that marked his life. But they didn’t give it any meaning.

He’d always thought music was the meaning for his life. Jiho realized that this was wrong now. There was more to life than just music. The people in his life and the relationships he had with them, those were the things that made life worth a damn. And even if Jiho had had plenty of people in his life before Jaehyo, this guy was the one who’d opened Jiho’s eyes and shown him that life truth.

Even if this went nowhere, Jiho would be grateful to Jaehyo for teaching him that much.

“You idiot,” Jiho said, trying not to laugh. “I don’t want anything from you except yourself.”

Jaehyo made a little noise that was almost like a snort but not quite. “See, that’s what I was talking about. You can always say the right things that I need to hear, even things I didn’t know I needed to hear.”

“I mean it though,” Jiho said after a long moment. “You’re right. I have the money for anything I might want to buy. But what I want? It’s not something that can be bought.” All of this was beyond embarrassing.

Jaehyo turned red. It was a beautiful color on him. Jiho was just a tad proud that he was the cause for the redness. Even if this whole thing fell apart at least Jiho had that sight to last him for the rest of his life. He just hoped he’d have more than this.

“For how long though?” Jaehyo asked once he’d returned to something that was more like his original shade.

It was a good question. Jiho knew what he wanted to say. He just wasn’t sure how Jaehyo would take it. “As long as you’ll allow,” Jiho answered. He meant it but it would be a lie to say that Jiho felt secure and confident right now. He was shaking on the inside, trying not to let how terrified he really was show.

Jaehyo put his hands together, lacing his fingers together. He bowed his head. He looked like he was praying. The sight was beautiful but at the same time it broke Jiho’s heart. Jaehyo seemed to be thinking about something. What was there to think about though? Jiho knew himself. He knew that when it came to all of this, he hadn’t really had to think. He knew what he wanted and it was probably really stupid but all he wanted was Jaehyo. He wanted them to officially give themselves a title, to decide that they were in a real relationship and not just something that was relationship adjacent.

When he first asked his question, Jiho hadn’t been sure what he wanted. He’d just wanted them to figure out what they were. As he pushed and dug deeper though, he realized just what it was that he really wanted. He wanted Jaehyo to say it, that they were in a real relationship, that this was something that could be called dating.

-

Jaehyo looked up. The look on Jiho’s face was crushing. He looked so hopeful and terrified all at the same time. It hurt to see that look on Jiho’s face and it hurt even more to know that he was the one was doing this to the guy.

The worst part? He wanted to give Jiho an answer. Jaehyo just wasn’t sure what to say. He knew this was something they’d been moving towards. That there would be a day when they’d have to define what this thing between them was. And Jaehyo wasn’t sure how to respond in this moment.

He really cared for Jiho. That much was clear. Hell, he’d fallen in love with the guy from the first moment he’d seen Jiho at that music festival years and years ago. He’d been hurt by Jiho and decided to forgive him and the guy had never given him reason to doubt him again.

So why was Jaehyo hesitating now? From the way Jiho kept pushing, it was clear what the guy wanted to hear. This should have been like something out of a dream. Instead, Jaehyo felt like he was living in a nightmare. Jaehyo knew he wanted Jiho and it was clear that Jiho wanted him back. At least, that’s what Jiho wanted for now.

Would Jaehyo be enough for him? Jiho had everything. The guy was saying that all he wanted was Jaehyo but Jaehyo couldn’t help but have his doubts. They would never be able to really have a relationship. Not like everyone else. All they could have were stolen, secret moments like this.

Jaehyo could live with that. He knew Jiho could probably do it too. After all, the guy was an idol. Openly dating, even in a conventional relationship, was all but taboo. Even if his company allowed it, very few idols were able to be in relationships without it tarnishing their names. All of this was stuff that Jaehyo had known for a long time.

“I want the same things as you,” Jaehyo finally said. “I’m just…” How to put this in a way that didn’t make Jiho angry? He took a deep breath and let it go slowly, trying to buy himself time to sort out his thoughts in a comprehensible way.

It didn’t help that this was a question that Jaehyo himself didn’t want to face. This question was one he’d had since the beginning. Saying it aloud only made it real.

“How am I good enough for you?”

-

The question broke Jiho’s heart. From the way the question was asked, how hesitant Jaehyo had been, this issue had weighed on him for some time. It was such a stupid and silly question too. How could Jaehyo think that he wasn’t good enough? He was the best person in Jiho’s life.

Leaning forward, Jiho rested his forehead against Jaehyo’s. “You are good enough by being so kind-hearted and warm,” he murmured. “Everyone in my life wants something from me except for you. You just see me and want me.”

Okay that was kind of a lie. There were others in Jiho’s life who fell under that category too like his family. Everyone else though wanted something from Jiho. His money, his name, his music. All of that. The only one who had never asked for any of those things was right here.

Jiho placed a kiss on Jaehyo’s forehead. “I’m the one who should be asking you that question. You could do so much if it weren’t for me. You could have a better life without me.”

Before Jaehyo could speak, could argue, Jiho went on. “You know that you’d never be able to have any sort of normal life around me. If you were with anyone else, you could go out together, introduce me to your friends and family, stuff like that.” Sure, Jaehyo would have some pushback on the whole ‘being gay’ issue and his life would never be entirely normal but at least it would be more of a life than the one Jiho could offer.

Jaehyo was quiet but he leaned against Jiho. He seemed like he might be pulling strength from Jiho. That was fine. Whatever helped Jaehyo feel at ease.

“We’re already in something, aren’t we?” Jaehyo asked, his voice shaking. “Asking for a definition of this is pointless.”

There was truth in that. Jiho laughed and nodded. “You’re probably right,” he admitted. This definitely felt like something from a real relationship. People who weren’t involved with each other wouldn’t even be in this position, having a conversation like this.

The unease that had been clawing at Jiho earlier faded as he realized this wasn’t thing between them wasn’t going to fade away anytime soon. Jaehyo was stuck with him and Jiho didn’t exactly feel like letting go anytime soon. The ground wasn’t wobbling, threatening to crumble beneath him anymore. It was reassuring.

Jiho sat back in the desk chair. He knew he had a smile on his face. Jaehyo had a smile on his too. Jaehyo’s smile was uneasy though like he wasn’t as sure but that was okay. Jaehyo just needed some time.

Then Jaehyo asked it. “Do we tell anyone? I know we can’t be public or anything, but our families?”

That was a very good question. “Honestly? I have no idea,” Jiho answered. “I guess if it feels right?”

Jaehyo laughed. It was a beautiful sound, one that made Jiho’s heart feel lighter than air. “I can handle that,” Jaehyo finally said.

Jiho fought a yawn. Now that this was all sorted out, exhaustion was hitting him all at once. “I should probably leave,” he said. Not that he wanted to. The only good thing about his home was that he had a bigger bed but otherwise, everything here was perfect.

“You could,” Jaehyo agreed. “Or you could stay.”

It was a nice idea, staying the night. “Your bed is too small,” Jiho joked. “Have you ever thought of moving into somewhere a little bigger?” He liked Jaehyo’s place, it was so nice and cozy.

“This place is cheap,” Jaehyo replied, smiling. “Besides, somewhere bigger would mean I couldn’t do this.”

Before Jiho could ask what that meant, Jaehyo reached out and grabbed Jiho’s shirt, pulling him out of the chair. This left Jaehyo falling backwards, Jiho laying on top of him. It wasn’t a bad position to be in. Jiho couldn’t help himself, laughing as he bent down and kissed the beautiful man underneath him.


End file.
